I am a member of several TTC (Trying To Conceive) and mummy groups on Facebook which really helped me to understand my body more. There was so much information that I never knew about my body, like when you're ovulating your body produces some funky stuff (CM) that looks like egg whites (ew!), and how to use an ovulation test properly.
There are so many women who are sharing their own knowledge to help each other conceive. It is INCREDIBLE. Everyone is like a big family. When I joined the TTC wagon, I really wasn't sure where to start.
First thing was first though - I had to get my implant removed. I've never had any problems getting them removed in the past but I always get nervous at the scalpel ripping at my arm looking for a plastic rod. It only took a few moments and it was out and I was told by the nurse that my fertility would return straight away.
I went home and jumped on ebay to look for 'ovulation tests'. I don't think I should have done this first. I really feel like I took the fun out of TTC because I got pretty obsessed with the damn things. Because I had just got my implant out, I had no idea when I was going to ovulate so I took a test every day once they arrived (I got 100 for about £4). The faintest line on the test and I thought I was ovulating. That's not how it works though. The test line needs to be darker than the control line for you to be ovulating. Poor David probably didn't have anything left in him! hahaha!
4 weeks after my implant was removed, I got my first cycle. It was lighter than normal (before having an implant) but I just thought it was because I was older and they had calmed down a bit. I wasn't concerned. I thought 'This is good. I've got my cycle back and I'll know when things are supposed to happen now'. I started the ovulation tests again at cycle day 7 (CD7) and made sure I knew what I was doing this time. I hadn't ever gotten a positive one before. Until CD11 came along. Then for some reason I had decided to do a pregnancy test.
IT WAS POSITIVE!!
I was crying so so much. I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant! I was also very very scared. Why did I just have what I thought was a cycle if I was pregnant?
I made an appointment with the midwife but it was 2 weeks away. Up until then I kept doing pregnancy test after pregnancy test. Two nearly three times a day. Silly AND expensive. But I just needed some piece of mind. I was on edge all day. Every day. Then the tests started getting lighter. And lighter. I knew something wasn't right.
2 weeks past and it was time to go and see the midwife. But just that morning I had got a completely negative test. I explained what had happened to the midwife and she turned to me very bluntly and unsympathetically and said 'You obviously aren't pregnant then and never were. It will have been hormones from your implant.' I couldn't stop crying. How the hell could I had gotten 20+ positive pregnancy tests if I wasn't bloody pregnant?!
She told me to do a pee sample for her and she would send it away for extra testing. Whether she sent it or not I don't know. I went back the next week and she told me it was negative. I left feeling very disheartened. In my head, I had just lost a baby. I had grown really attached to this little bean already and it was just taken from me so quickly.
4 weeks and 1 day after my first bleed, I bled again. This time it was heavier and felt more like one of my usual periods with slight cramps. It was all over.
I didn't really know what to do with myself. I told people I was pregnant and although they were all there for me when I told them the bad news, I wish they didn't know. I just wanted something to take my mind off it, not to be reminded every day.
We started trying again straight away (after the bleeding stopped obviously!) and I got even more obsessed about it. I wish I enjoyed it rather than worried about having another loss, even when I wasn't pregnant again. The next cycle was a fail. And although I had only been trying for a VERY short time, I felt like I was never going to be blessed with a baby.
The month after that, I done things differently. I took my basal body temperature every morning when I got up at the exact same time every day. When my temperature started to spike, I took an ovulation test which was positive, then my temp went down the day after which indicated I had ovulated. I really wasn't watching what I was eating at all during this cycle and I ended up getting slightly drunk on my birthday (3 Days past ovulation, or 3DPO). I felt a little more relaxed about things and I was having fun! Later on in the week it was my birthday party. I was 21 and this was supposed to be the time when I went wild and got totally wasted. Right?
Wrong.
The day of my 21st birthday party, I decided to take a pregnancy test. 'Just to be sure' I told David. At this time I was 8DPO. I done the test and hopped into the shower before going to get my hair done. I didn't look until I got out. And there it was. A tiny little very faint second line. I was shaking. Holy crap, we did it again!! This time I didn't go all out on the pregnancy tests but I did run out to get a clear blue digi because it always feels more real when you see the actual words 'Pregnant'. And yup. No denying it. The test flashed 'Pregnant 1-2'. I didn't really know what to do. David was at work and I wanted him to be the first person I told. Luckily for me, he had just came on his break so I phoned him immediately. He knew before I told him. There was no other reason why I would phone him. He was so excited! I began to feel sick already and I knew that was a good sign. (I just didn't expect it to be there the whole pregnancy).
And now...We have our beautiful rainbow baby after our storm.
If you're TTC, please don't become obsessed with it. It will happen eventually. You'll only make yourself upset if you do become obsessed and it isn't healthy. Don't dive in and buy ovulation tests straight away. Learn more about your body and the signs it gives when you ovulate and keep yourself busy during your two week wait too or you'll drive yourself bloody bonkers!
I hope you enjoyed this post and it teaches you to stay positive. I understand I haven't had it nearly half as bad as a lot of people have but one loss or 20, it still affects you.
But...
KEEP SMILING!
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