LETS TALK ABOUT MISCARRIAGES

Many people in the world have gone through the devastation of losing a baby. If you've had one loss or 10, it doesn't get any easier. Around 25% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriages. That's 1 in 4 people. So why is it such a taboo subject?

I understand that a lot of people don't want to talk about it with others. And that's fair enough. But there's way too many people who want to speak about it and can't because of what other people might think. The truth is, more than likely the person you want to speak to about it has been in the same situation. They may even feel the same way!

Coping with a miscarriage is hard and draining, no matter when it happens. I had a chemical pregnancy (a positive test before period but then my period came) and an early miscarriage (loss before 12 weeks). Both were very hard times for me. The cp was hard for me to speak about. I didn't want to upset people by talking about it or for them to think I was crying 'wolf' and wasn't actually ever pregnant. It's sad that I had to think like that. Like I was alone. I couldn't even speak to my partner at the time (now ex) in fear he thought I was lying. I made a point when I had my early miscarriage that I wouldn't keep it inside of me. I felt better by letting people know about it. I had a great deal of support there but I also felt like everyone just reminded me of it with their sorry faces whenever I walked by. But I guess it was better than them saying "cheer up" or "jeez why are you so grumpy nowadays?"

I got a lot of "It wasn't meant to be" and "It was probably for the best" comments. FYI DO NOT SAY THIS TO SOMEONE WHO HAS JUST HAD A LOSS! It doesn't make us feel better. We loved the little beans more than anything and we hadn't even met them.

As women, we should be supporting each other and speaking out about it. You never know, if you speak out about it, someone going through the same thing may need your shoulder to cry on.

Allow yourself and your family time to grieve and don't feel like you need to keep it a secret.

I mention my losses as much as I can (where appropriate) because they were a big part of my life even just for a short time.

I hope you can speak up about any loss you have had and remember you are not alone.

WE GOT A PUPPY!!

So following up from the last post, WE GOT A PUPPY!

David and I have wanted a puppy for a very long time but we couldn't have one in our old flat. But now we're allowed! Yay!

It took quite a long time for us to choose a breed that we both wanted and a bit of a compromise for David because he really wanted a big manly dog. He wouldn't settle for anything smaller than a Labrador retriever. Until we had a look at some beautiful little beagles and of course, I got my way.

The problem with big dogs is that I would need to walk it with a pram if David was at work and it just wouldn't be easy. I'd end up getting swept off my feet by a big German Shepherd and end up losing him somewhere.

After some research, we decided on a beagle. They are easily trained, very good with children and the right size for our family!

INTRODUCING REX

He is already settling in so well and we feel like he has been part of our family for ages!

Our puppy essentials were :

1. A crate. We didn't want him destroying our house while we were out or sleeping on our beds or the furniture so we are currently crate training him.
2. Toys. Lots and lots of toys. Teething puppies will try to chew on everything so whenever we see him going for something he shouldn't be, we replace it with a toy and it seems to work!
3. Food and treats. Beagles are very food orientated when it comes to training them so we have a huge amount of them in his very own kitchen drawer! Spoilt puppy!
4. Poo bags. Don't want a hefty fine when he is able to be walked.
5. Puppy pads and newspaper. He has been really good with peeing on the paper and pads so far which has been a godsend!
6. Bedding. Although he has his crate, we still wanted to treat him with a nice big comfy bed to sleep on if we're in the house so he doesn't have to go into his crate all the time.
7. Collar and lead. 
8. Food and water bowls. He doesn't really use his own ones yet so he is eating and drinking out of plastic cereal bowls right now. I think the other metal ones are too big for him.

I am really sorry this post is late again. I had written it last week and scheduled it to post yesterday but it didn't work and I hadn't noticed until today!

Have you got any other essentials for a puppy that I might have missed but really need? Let me know in the comments below and I'll try them out!

KEEP SMILING!

GETTING UP EARLY

Hey everyone!
Thanks so much for all the positive feedback on my last post! Loving all of the support!

So, anyone who knows me knows that I am NOT a morning person. Not even in the slightest. Anything before 10am is a no go. I've been pretty fortunate that Ruth sleeps until then or David gets up with her so I can sleep. I cannot function on anything less than about 12 hours.

But I'm going to try!!!

A couple of days ago, we got a puppy! (Separate post to come about that). He is part of my motivation to get up early. He got me up at 5.56am today! I was beginning to forget there was two 5 oclocks in a day to be honest. But then after he had a poop, a wee, and a drink, he went back to sleep. And so did I. Worst decision I could have made was going back to bed. He got back up at 8am and I felt a lot more tired at that time than I did the first time he woke up! Boo!

Below are some of the things I'm going to do in order to train myself to get up early - and stay up!

• Set a bedtime. I rarely go to bed at he same time every night. Some nights it could be at 9pm and others 2am. 
• Start a bedtime routine. I'm hoping that if I start a routine and do it every night before I go to bed, my body will realise that it's time for bed when I'm finished and it will be a lot easier for me to go to sleep.
• Turn off electronics 1 hour before bed. Apparently the blue lights from electronics keeps you awake by mimicking the sun. That way our bodies don't produce the sleep hormone because it still thinks it's day time. I'm so bad for taking my phone into bed with me and browsing through all the social media apps I have for hours on end, then moan because I got a shitty sleep.
• Stay on my feet longer. Although I try to exercise every day, I'm not an active person when it comes to not exercising. I would sit down for 5 hours, only getting up to pee. Sometimes longer. Hopefully if I'm doing more throughout the day, I'll be more tired.
• No coffee or tea before 3pm. These are my weaknesses. Anything with caffeine actually. Especially at night time. Which obviously isn't doing me any favours at night time when I'm trying to wind down. I'm more like a bee. Buzzing.
• Read a book. This is something I've been doing more recently. But I need to get into the habit of doing it every night to help me relax.

I seriously hope I can stick to these and get up early! I'm hoping to wake at around 7am no matter what I'm doing during the day. I'll be super impressed if it works hahaha! 

Do you have any particular routine or tip that really helps you to relax at night and get to sleep easily and wake up feeling refreshed rather than a zombie? Let me know in the comments below and I'll try them out for myself!

KEEP SMILING! 

MY TTC STORY

Hey everyone! So sorry this is a little bit late. David and I enjoyed a nice family day yesterday with the kids then a date night so I never got on the computer. Thank you so much for your feedback on my last post, it really means a lot!

I am a member of several TTC (Trying To Conceive) and mummy groups on Facebook which really helped me to understand my body more. There was so much information that I never knew about my body, like when you're ovulating your body produces some funky stuff (CM) that looks like egg whites (ew!), and how to use an ovulation test properly.

There are so many women who are sharing their own knowledge to help each other conceive. It is INCREDIBLE. Everyone is like a big family. When I joined the TTC wagon, I really wasn't sure where to start.

First thing was first though - I had to get my implant removed. I've never had any problems getting them removed in the past but I always get nervous at the scalpel ripping at my arm looking for a plastic rod. It only took a few moments and it was out and I was told by the nurse that my fertility would return straight away.

I went home and jumped on ebay to look for 'ovulation tests'. I don't think I should have done this first. I really feel like I took the fun out of TTC because I got pretty obsessed with the damn things. Because I had just got my implant out, I had no idea when I was going to ovulate so I took a test every day once they arrived (I got 100 for about £4). The faintest line on the test and I thought I was ovulating. That's not how it works though. The test line needs to be darker than the control line for you to be ovulating. Poor David probably didn't have anything left in him! hahaha!

4 weeks after my implant was removed, I got my first cycle. It was lighter than normal (before having an implant) but I just thought it was because I was older and they had calmed down a bit. I wasn't concerned. I thought 'This is good. I've got my cycle back and I'll know when things are supposed to happen now'. I started the ovulation tests again at cycle day 7 (CD7) and made sure I knew what I was doing this time. I hadn't ever gotten a positive one before. Until CD11 came along. Then for some reason I had decided to do a pregnancy test.

IT WAS POSITIVE!!

I was crying so so much. I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant! I was also very very scared. Why did I just have what I thought was a cycle if I was pregnant?

I made an appointment with the midwife but it was 2 weeks away. Up until then I kept doing pregnancy test after pregnancy test. Two nearly three times a day. Silly AND expensive. But I just needed some piece of mind. I was on edge all day. Every day. Then the tests started getting lighter. And lighter. I knew something wasn't right.

2 weeks past and it was time to go and see the midwife. But just that morning I had got a completely negative test. I explained what had happened to the midwife and she turned to me very bluntly and unsympathetically and said 'You obviously aren't pregnant then and never were. It will have been hormones from your implant.' I couldn't stop crying. How the hell could I had gotten 20+ positive pregnancy tests if I wasn't bloody pregnant?!

She told me to do a pee sample for her and she would send it away for extra testing. Whether she sent it or not I don't know. I went back the next week and she told me it was negative. I left feeling very disheartened. In my head, I had just lost a baby. I had grown really attached to this little bean already and it was just taken from me so quickly.

4 weeks and 1 day after my first bleed, I bled again. This time it was heavier and felt more like one of my usual periods with slight cramps. It was all over.

I didn't really know what to do with myself. I told people I was pregnant and although they were all there for me when I told them the bad news, I wish they didn't know. I just wanted something to take my mind off it, not to be reminded every day.

We started trying again straight away (after the bleeding stopped obviously!) and I got even more obsessed about it. I wish I enjoyed it rather than worried about having another loss, even when I wasn't pregnant again. The next cycle was a fail. And although I had only been trying for a VERY short time, I felt like I was never going to be blessed with a baby.

The month after that, I done things differently. I took my basal body temperature every morning when I got up at the exact same time every day. When my temperature started to spike, I took an ovulation test which was positive, then my temp went down the day after which indicated I had ovulated. I really wasn't watching what I was eating at all during this cycle and I ended up getting slightly drunk on my birthday (3 Days past ovulation, or 3DPO). I felt a little more relaxed about things and I was having fun! Later on in the week it was my birthday party. I was 21 and this was supposed to be the time when I went wild and got totally wasted. Right?

Wrong.

The day of my 21st birthday party, I decided to take a pregnancy test. 'Just to be sure' I told David. At this time I was 8DPO. I done the test and hopped into the shower before going to get my hair done. I didn't look until I got out. And there it was. A tiny little very faint second line. I was shaking. Holy crap, we did it again!! This time I didn't go all out on the pregnancy tests but I did run out to get a clear blue digi because it always feels more real when you see the actual words 'Pregnant'. And yup. No denying it. The test flashed 'Pregnant 1-2'. I didn't really know what to do. David was at work and I wanted him to be the first person I told. Luckily for me, he had just came on his break so I phoned him immediately. He knew before I told him. There was no other reason why I would phone him. He was so excited! I began to feel sick already and I knew that was a good sign. (I just didn't expect it to be there the whole pregnancy).

And now...We have our beautiful rainbow baby after our storm.

If you're TTC, please don't become obsessed with it. It will happen eventually. You'll only make yourself upset if you do become obsessed and it isn't healthy. Don't dive in and buy ovulation tests straight away. Learn more about your body and the signs it gives when you ovulate and keep yourself busy during your two week wait too or you'll drive yourself bloody bonkers!

I hope you enjoyed this post and it teaches you to stay positive. I understand I haven't had it nearly half as bad as a lot of people have but one loss or 20, it still affects you.

But...

KEEP SMILING!

KAYLA ITSINES BBG - WHAT, WHY AND MY PROGRESS

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for the positive feedback on my last post! I appreciate it so so much!

Let's talk about fitness for a bit -

When I was still pregnant with Ruth, I was looking at a lot of different programs that would help me get back to my pre-baby weight. I previously went to a transformation gym called 'Raw Anatomy' and I absolutely loved it. It was, however, pretty expensive and I couldn't justify going back and paying all that money when I could be using it to spoil my daughter when she arrived. The results below are what I would love to achieve again.

I have been following Kayla Itsines on Instagram for a long time and I get so overwhelmed when she posts the transformation photos of people who have been consistently doing her guides. I thought to myself 'holy shit, I could do that'. So I bought the plan when I was 38 weeks pregnant and couldn't wait to get started.

I bought BBG 1.0 and 2.0 and it cost me over £60. Steep right? Most people nowadays use her app which costs around £15 a month and also has a nutrition guide. I don't follow the nutrition guide because I find that there are too many foods in these kinds of things that I've never even heard of before, so I wouldn't know what the hell to do with them.

The workout guides focus on 3 days of resistance training, 3 days of LISS and a rest/rehabilitation day. This is for the first 4 weeks of pre-training, and 8 weeks of the program.
Resistance training - No this doesn't mean resistance to exercise. It consists of using dumbbells, body weight, rubber tubing, bottles of water and anything that will make your muscles contract. This type of exercising increases strength, tone, muscle mass and/or endurance. It causes your muscles to rip or tear slightly and then rebuild themselves stronger and bigger! These exercises take 28 minutes out of your day. Not too much time to give up is it?
LISS - Stands for Low Intensity Steady State exercise. This basically means you do a leisurely activity such as walking, swimming or cycling for 35-45 minutes keeping your heart rate constant at around 114-117 bpm.
Rest and Rehabilitation is just basically stretching and foam rolling and letting your muscles repair themselves.

When it got to 4 weeks after giving birth to Ruth, I got the all clear from my Doctor to start exercising (I had no stitches, tears or grazing...LUCKY ME). I got stuck right into the workouts and I must admit, a 4 week old plus exercising is not easy. The first couple of weeks were pretty draining while I got the hang of getting into the routine after over 9 months off. But as I started seeing tiny little results here and there, it really did motivate me more to keep going to see what I could achieve. So far since having Ruth, I have lost 35lbs. Just from exercising and eating healthily! Below is my starting picture on the left at 4 weeks post baby and my progress picture at 12 weeks post baby.

I would HIGHLY recommend buying these guides. The self confidence you get is amazing. Once you pay the £60-odd, you really don't need to splurge on anything else, unless you want proper equipment. But to be honest, a couple bottles of water (as weights), a dining room chair(as a bench), some stairs (as a step box) and a bit of motivation is all you need. Trust me, if I can do it, so can you!

Plus you never know, I might continue to progress and get featured on Kayla's instagram next to all the other amazing ladies who have achieved fantastic results from the BBG guides.

Do you have any guides you follow and are loving? Do you also follow Kayla's BBG? I'd love to know in the comments below! Thanks for reading!

KEEP SMILING!

HOW TO SURVIVE A SOBER NIGHT OUT

Hey everyone!
So last night, I made the decision to go out on a girls night out...SOBER!
Let me tell you, when you're used to going out with my crazy friends and getting hammered with them, it is not easy being the only person without an alcoholic drink in their hand. The girls were constantly asking why I wasn't drinking and I actually felt really bad because my only excuse was that I have Ruth and Corey to look after.
But, I survived the night, going home slightly earlier than my curfew of 1.30am. I was so glad to get snuggled into my happy place - my bed.
Here are a few tips on how I survived my sober night out!

1. Pre-nap. If you've got a partner in the house who can look after the kids for an hour or so, take full advantage and go to bed! You'll thank yourself when its 9pm and you're not yawning your head off yet.
2. Caffeine. If your nap doesn't work as planned, or you just didn't manage to get to have one, stock up on caffeine! Red bull (or any energy drink) and a shit load of coffee is the way to go.
3. Get your own drink. There's nothing worse than saying to your friend you'll have a coke, but they come back with a vodka and coke just to tempt you. Don't fall for it people! Get your coke yourself.
4. Put lime in everything. Lime will bitter your red bull or coke up and it actually tricks your liver into thinking you're getting hammered - you just won't have the hangover the next day.
5. Dance like a maniac. Just remember that nobody else apart from your group of friends knows that you're sober. So just make the most of your night and be crazy.
6. Take plenty of photos. Not only is it a fun way to remember the memories you are making, but if your friends end up doing something silly and you caught it on camera, you can always use it against them. (In the nicest way possible of course)
7. Remember to look after your friends. It may not have been your plan, but you are the only one that can make rational decisions. If your friend just so happens to shout 'BITCH' in someones face when they're absolutely steaming, I'm afraid it's up to you to settle the situation. It's almost like an unspoken rule that the sober one is the person to look after everyone else!

Hopefully these tips help you have a fantastic night on your next sober one! Let me know in the comments if you have any other tips and I'll be sure to try them out!

KEEP SMILING!

GROWING UP WITH ONE PARENT

This might sound pretty silly, but when I was little, I never used to question why I only had one parent - my mum. I always sort of thought that only one person created life and because at this time I was only about 7 or 8 years old, I was obviously a bit young for the 'birds and bees' chat from my mum, so I didn't know any better.

It had always just been my mum, my sister and myself. The three musketeers. Us against the world.

Then one day when Lauren and I were at our grandparents house, they showed us pictures of our 'Dad'. Some friends also made us feel really upset by telling us we were stupid to think that we didn't have a Dad, because everybody HAS to have one. It's how we're made. My mum ended up having to tell us about him because now we were so confused. She wanted to tell us in her own time, not to be forced by someone else.

I remember crying when she told us. I'm not sure why I cried. Maybe I was scared. Scared of it suddenly not being just the 3 of us anymore. She told us that we met him when we were 1 year old. And that was the first time he had taken any interest in us. He hadn't asked about us since. We reassured her that we didn't need a Dad. After all, this incredible woman single-handedly raised us from the age of 18.

One day, when we were 14, we got home from school and my mum sat us down and told us that our grandma had passed away. We were devastated to say the least. She then went on to tell us when the funeral was and also that our Dad will be there. I was a little frightened. Was I going to have to meet him? Could I avoid this situation?

Then she dropped another bombshell on us. We had 3 brothers and a sister.

All I could think about was 'How could he keep having children when he wasn't bothered about the ones he already had?' 'What's wrong with us?' 'Are we not good enough?'

Based on these questions swirling around in my mind, I made the decision not to meet him at the funeral, and instead I left through the back door. Lauren, however, thought this was an amazing opportunity and clearly didn't have the same thoughts as I did. How could she be so in awe of someone who wasn't phased by our existence for 14 years?

Two years later, he came up to visit us. I built up the courage to go along too this time. I was mature enough to handle it. We went out for dinner and all I could feel was awkwardness and as if this just wasn't 'right'. I really wanted to get to know my long-lost siblings and keep up with what they were doing so my Dad and I swapped numbers.

We would text every so often and I would always ask when he was coming back up to visit with the kids. The response was always that he couldn't get time off work...But then Facebook showed me that he managed to go to 'Alton Towers' and 'Thorpe Park' for days at a time with his better children. I started to get disheartened by this, so wasn't rushing to text him back when he got in contact.

The next time he visited, he brought up our newest baby sister. And again I thought 'Why are you still having kids?'

It took him about 5 years to visit again after that. Maybe longer, I've lost count. This time though, everything has changed. I've gotten used to his bullshit excuses and don't bother to check in very often because whenever I did, it was very short lived conversation that ended up becoming him bragging about his life with his perfect children and devil-wife. This week he was here. The last time I spoke to him was November when I decided to tell him about my pregnancy with Ruth and that she was due in March. Of course, this conversation was quickly turned into something about his life. He never told me he was here at all, but he had told Lauren about it. He didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday for goodness sake. But he texted Lauren. WE'RE TWINS. He had dinner with Lauren twice this time and I although I didn't really want to be there, I felt a little bit jealous at the fact I hadn't even been asked.

Do you think that stopped me from going to my grandads house where they were staying? NOPE. I drove down, adrenaline pumping ready to confront him about his attitude towards me in a previous text. He had the cheek to say I had ignored him for the last year. He hadn't made any attempt to contact me in this time. When I got there, he had his 'perfect Dad' attitude like butter wouldn't melt. But then I realise it's because the kids are still awake. He puts them to bed and we talk. I told him I want nothing to do with him. He said 'That's fine'. I told him I didn't appreciate him telling my sister that he didn't know I was pregnant. He said 'I don't care'. I left in tears of anger. I've never seem him in the rose tinted glasses that my sister seems to have.

But then I think to myself 'I don't need this horrible human being in my life'. My Mum has reunited with an amazing man and I couldn't be happier for her. His name is John and he has been there for me more in the 5 years he has been in our lives than my Dad has in the 22 years I've been alive.

Have you ever been really disappointed and hurt by a long lost family member? What did you do?

Let me know in the comments section.


KEEP SMILING :)

STRUGGLING WITH POSTNATAL DEPRESSION

As we all know, being pregnant is a wonderful gift for all the family. You're bringing a beautiful new life into the world and as soon as baby arrives, provided you haven't had any complications during pregnancy and birth, you're on cloud 9.

For myself, the only complications I had during my pregnancy were hyperemesis gravidarum and sciatica so when Ruth entered the world after a 20 hour labour, I was relieved not to have these symptoms anymore and I was most definitely on cloud 9.

 About two hours after I gave birth I was up and showered, and on my way to the maternity ward with my tiny bundle and my mum who held my hand through the whole experience (David went to pick up his son, Corey, at the time I was transferred up to the ward). I was told I had to stay in the hospital overnight to establish breastfeeding properly. I didn't particularly want to stay in overnight but if that was what the midwives were recommending then who was I to argue. The next day we got to go home and we were no longer just a family of 2 (3 part time). We had this fragile baby to look after and cuddle and give all of our attention to. The first few days were amazing and I was still on a high from giving birth. Then the baby blues hit. All I wanted to do was cry and I had no idea why. I cried at adverts on the TV. I cried at the fast food delivery driver who forgot to take his tip. I cried at everything that didn't deserve the tears.

The amount of visitors we had in the first week of bringing Ruth home was overwhelming. I stupidly decided to throw a little party for Corey's third birthday in my house, even though I had literally no energy to do anything but sit on the couch and watch Supernatural. When the visitors came over for his birthday, I hid up the stairs because I felt the stress building at the thought of having to entertain all these people in my home. I felt I had to apologise when people were leaving because I had been MIA, but the truth was, they all understood and told me not to be so silly.

The busy first couple of weeks had passed and I was still feeling really down and tearful. I put it down to lack of sleep and didn't want to think of any other reasons because for me, Postnatal Depression was one of my biggest fears. I felt I would be classed as a bad parent if I had this illness and that people would judge me.

The health visitor came out at 6 weeks postnatal and I was ready for her to ask me how I was feeling. They have a particular test that they give out at this time after giving birth and I was ready for it. But it never came. And deep down I knew I should have told her how I was feeling but I ended up keeping it to myself, stupidly.

It ended up getting worse the more I kept it to myself. I remember one evening I had stood and cooked a really nice homemade meal for a fussy 3 year old. He didn't like the broccoli in it. I ran upstairs and cried because I didn't feel appreciated. That was the last straw for me.

I went to the doctor for my 8 week postnatal checkup and told her how I was feeling. She was lovely and made me feel so good about speaking about it. I'll admit I also cried while telling her how I felt but she told me not to worry about it. Postnatal Depression affects more than 1 in 10 women after giving birth. There are different treatments for the illness. You can choose self-help, psychotherapy or medication. For me, I felt the quicker I was back to my old self the better so I got given 20mg of Citalopram to take once daily. So far, at almost 4 months post baby, they are working well. Another thing that I find is really helping me is exercising because it releases happy hormones that make you feel amazing, just like if you were to eat chocolate of have sex! But of course, most of us really don't feel like hopping back onto the saddle so soon after having a baby..

Key things you need to remember: 

• You are not a bad parent!
• You do not need to feel ashamed because you have this illness! It is common and can be triggered by a lot of factors in your life. For me it was simply the 'baby blues'.
• Do not keep your feelings to yourself. You will feel a lot better if you just talk about how you're feeling with loved ones or a professional.
• This is not your fault. It can happen to anyone.
• Having a baby is life changing. It's OK to feel stressed and overwhelmed
• Accept the help!

If you think you may be suffering from Postnatal Depression then take a look at this survey:
https://psychology-tools.com/epds/

KEEP SMILING